relationships...

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision
about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a
divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious
mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say "We're in love." I believe is the #1 mistake people make when
they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone).

Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound
truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather,
love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right,
then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love
alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask
yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you
plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common
life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can
grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom
line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get
"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A
colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself
on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan
to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and
do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do
with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are
essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated
to personal growth and people who ar e dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another
person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure
this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a
waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they
don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you
cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly as
much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others?

Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure
that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts
it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage... for the worse!"
If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be
sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring
on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you
didn't do your homework.